Saturday, June 17, 2017


When you hear about lust, you think automatically about sex, right? It’s said that a guy thinks of sex every four seconds. I can’t tell you if that is completely true. I do think of other thinks as well, but sure enough I do think about sex, and a lot of it! I remember my first lustful moment; I was too young to feel… a happy end full result of those moments. That’s what lust is, moments. Recently I talked to my friend Pastor Owen about lust, and feeding into it with my memories of my Ex, Kira. Now for me, I prefer not to talk about moments, or my sexual experiences with my family. Which I mentioned to Owen, His response to my question is helpful, yet challenging.

Let’s call lust over Kira a weed, actually let’s call all lust a weed. So We have life, aka our garden, full of fruit and veggies. It’s beautiful, but you look down and you see a weed. You pull and pull on this weed and you pull off the greens with a bit of the root. Sometimes that root can use its energy to create a new plant. So even though that you got rid of one problem, just another popped up. A continuous cycle of you plucking the same weed, but also different head growth; how can you rid of the true problem? By digging out the root, it’s hard to fight it! Even the holiest men in the bible fought lust, wither it’s a sexual lust, or a materialized lust.

How will I fight the weed problem? Well, I have to wait for it to rain to soften up these roots to pull it out. I know what is wrong; I know why I lust, boredom, and loneness, just two of the many more reasons. As I wait for the rain to come, I will just have to keep trying to pluck the heads. Hoping that either the rain comes or an easier head. I will pray to get rid of Kira out of my head, to forget those memories. To remove all lust from my life, to be cleansed. As I wait, I will work on not to think of Kira, both in those moments but also throughout the day.

Until next time,

Monday, June 12, 2017

Word Vomit! (Update on Moving on)

Ever had those times that when your talking to someone that things you wanted tell that person, but never had the chance to. When you actually do, it comes out all at once! You forget what you say, how you said it and their response? Yup that happened to me this past Sunday.

Hello everyone,
Yes, I'll get to my story on how my word vomit issue came up. But for our new comers, I do have to say that this is apart of a new series that I'm doing. So you may have to scroll down and read previous posts, or click on the titles: 'Moving On' and second 'Throwing Out'.

So in my last post, I mentioned about planning on talking to my pastor. Which I been wanting to do for quiet sometime now. I go there to talk to one of the four there, it's usually bad timing, or I don't have time to go there. I actually waited for an email from one as well. You have been finding out that my family is a bit crazy. Trust me you aren't wrong, lots of crazy wacky family drama. Which some may believe that it has helped with the feeling of my ex. It doesn't, I can guarantee that! It's been clouding me so I can't deal with it properly, its been to much for me.

So now, lets get back to the main topic. WORD VOMIT! I went to church this past Sunday, and I talked to the youth pastor about the upcoming service I was going to sit in, as well as his kids that he was watching running around. They had an issue with some video playing audio and not both in the first service, to which happened in the second, thankfully they were able to fix it. After the service, I went to the youth pastor and started talking to him that he figured it out etc. He then had a feeling to ask 'How is life?' So I started going off on about what life has started to look like this week, moving (How exciting) and my garden. Then I hit the surface of my issues and it came out. All at once, from my sister, to my ex and trying to work it out in my brain. He talked it over with me briefly, prayed with me and for me. Then sent me on my way, I felt so peaceful, nothing clouded me, that I actually forgot my jacket.

Since then, those topics I shared haven't bothered me. But I'm still up at night thinking, over what might be keeping me connected to my ex. Something so powerful for some women, but mainly for all men. Lust! And that will by my next post. How I will be working my way through that issue, or maybe just what I'm going through.

Until then, See you all and God Bless!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Throwing out?!?!

Hello everyone,
Thought I'd give a new update on my 'moving on' post. My life is actually quite boring lol. 

My parents got a house in town, which It as a legal basement suit. They asked me if I wanted to move in. To which I did. I love my brother, sister inlaw and my nephew to death but I need my own space. On that note, I was able to move my stuff in and actually have access to some of the things. Pictures and cards that I actually packed. I threw them out. I don't want to be reminded of some of the good times we had. As it also brings the negativity with it. I've also been thinking about going through my items She gave me and slowly weed out those things. Again just a small reminders. 

I've been working on what I want in this life for me. Maybe I should write that clearer. I have been working on what I want! Work, housing, Animals, and family. What I want in my significant other. I know Sometimes that doesn't happen. I can only dream that a woman would be like this. I'm not perfect, just like any other person. So I have to add this. If I want to be sexually connected as well, which happens to be a struggle for me. Since I am Christian, how I grew up you wait till marriage. But that didn't stop me from my connection with my Ex. You know those videos you watch that talk to you about waiting, that you loose apart of yourself? 100% true for me. Of course we weren't.. Fully 'into each other' for better lack of words. We should have. Hate to say it that way, but I'm honest. For what we did, for the flaunting, using it against me to get what she wanted. It was just an excuse for her to get me in deeper into her control.

I heard that a in break ups, women fall the hardest; even if they are the ones who dumped the other. Within six months, they are back to their normal self and is on to the next guy. Where men, it doesn't hit them,but it stick with them for the rest of their life. They slowly go into a downward spiral and crash. What helps is to hang with your guy friends. To which I don't have, pushed all my friends away. Also talking to your pastor/counselor. Which I guess I should be doing. Might help with everything I've been dealing with. Yet I don't feel like sharing it with my family. 

Well, hope you all enjoy reading this, feel free to comment. Till my next update. 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Moving On!

This is one of the hardest things that I've been through. For those who don't know my life. It's been quite a roller coaster! For those who do, Just sit tight as I share a bit of the background where I am coming from.

My life has been filled with moving from town to town. Following where the work is for my dad. From town to town to across the country. I've gone through times my family has been doing well, to broke, homeless, and completely falling apart. Over two years ago, in one of the times my family were homeless, living with my older sister for the summer till we found a new home. I started to interact with someone from school. Our friendship became serious it formed into a relationship. My first actually. With our lives moving forward, within the month of that decision My family were finally in our own place. 

I found a good job making some good money, and after winter, my family were out of the house, back living with my sister. I had to leave my job, as it didn't make sense with the gas issue going back and forth. My parents stayed three weeks  and went out camping. In that time, I found another job, in the town my sister lived. After the summer, my baby sister and I decided to move out and get a place of our own. Leaving my parents household. We got our own cars the end of winter. I had a job, car, my own place and a girlfriend where we both planned on marring each other. The months moved on, my sister and I decided to find our own places. One of the most beautiful apartments here. Before I knew it, Bills piled up, I lost my car. One of the worse things that I've lived through, but it was the start of my newest roller coaster.

When you loose something like your vehicle, it changes you in ways that can't be explained. My girlfriend and I started to fight like crazy. our two years of perfect relationship was ripping apart. Our dates started to plunder down to maybe once a month. The next thing was my apartment, which I lost. I moved in with my brother and sister inlaw. At this point, We were fighting more than we were talking. I quit my job which I hated, cause I was starting to work for my dad. We decided to take two weeks to of silence. We agreed to no communication to figure out what we wanted. in that time, I lost my only and favourite aunt. We cut the time off by a week, and we decided to cut our relationship short, but to remain friends. 

How do you move on from a relationship that you share with someone for over two years? Share your thoughts with? Share those hard times you go through, or try to forget those things that were said that conduct what your relationship were even built on? Those parts of your body you wish you would share with someone special?

I'll keep you all updated on my moving forward journey